First Impressions
Whenever a relationship comes to an unhappy end, most people sit back
and analyze the situation wondering, “where did I wrong?” However, if
you truly look back for warning signs you’ll quickly discover the only
thing that you did wrong was not listen to them.
There’s a lot to be said for the expression hindsight equals 20/20.
I’ve experienced this concept first hand on several occasions. I dated
a divorced man that told me on the night that I met him, “my wedding
was perfect.” It wasn’t the best choice of words for someone looking at
a potential second wife. If that wasn’t enough, the clock engraved with
wedding vows hanging in his should have been sufficient indication that
he was not over the end of his marriage. It wasn’t until we actually
broke up that I realized he had “divorce issues.”
One gentleman I dated actually seemed to tell the same story over and
over about every one of his past relationships. I actually said to him,
“it seems as though everything goes along perfectly with all the women
you date and then all of a sudden you wake up and decide it’s not
working and leave.” It shouldn’t be difficult to guess how this one
played out. Sunday everything was going along perfectly and Monday he
woke up and decided it wasn’t working and left.
One of my biggest heartbreaks happened at the end of a long-term
relationship. He was probably the greatest love of my life. The route
cause of our demise was a dominating mother that refused to let him cut
the umbilical chord. I snipped away at it to no avail. We were dating
only three months when I was completely appalled by the fact that he
bought his mother underwear for Christmas. It was at the top of her
Christmas list to him! At that moment I had a pretty good indication
that this was not a natural or healthy relationship. The warning signs
were there but did I listen? It still was five years before we actually
broke up.
Women everywhere like to accuse men of sabotaging a relationship in
their quest for just sex. Although I don’t believe that all men are
pigs—some men as well as women—can be. One gentleman I dated had me
completely stunned when he brought condoms on our third date. He
defended himself by saying he was just being a good “boy scout.” I told
him I was offended that he didn’t have enough respect for me to think
it WOULDN’T happen so soon. Obviously the condoms weren’t necessary and
of course and that night was the last time I saw him. Ironically, this
is the same man who made me nervous because he kissed me too
aggressively on our first date. Once again, the warning signs were
there—and I didn’t listen.
Women are really hard on themselves when a relationship ends. While men
tend to go have a beer and watch a football game, women will gather
their girlfriends around and overanalyze every detail of the
relationship’s progression. Of course they will find fault in
themselves before they could even think of blaming the man, “I never
should have called him so much.” “If only I didn’t give him such a hard
time about that bachelor party.” The duty of the friends is to just
comfort the brokenhearted with blanket generic statements of
encouragement. “He’s a loser. Move on!”
Even as we slowly face acceptance that our relationship is over we are
left with a lingering desire to validate the whole disaster in the
first place. “Do you think he ever really loved me?” Once again the
friends are called in to circle the wagons and proclaim. “He’s a loser!
Move on!” However, almost without fail, you’ll find your answer to why
things failed by looking back at the beginning of the relationship.
Recently a friend of mine from work had contemplated fixing me up with
her husband’s best friend. She described him as sweet, smart and good
looking. However, she was wary of making a love connection between us.
“I’m afraid he has too many issues for you.”
The first week was heavenly between this new gentleman and myself. It
was week two that “the issues” started to rear their ugly head.
However, by week three when the major conflicts began, Amidst this
emotional turmoil I was once again plunged into a sea of self-blame.
“Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I’m too emotional.” I ignored the fact that
she told me he had an unstable work history, a strange relationship
with his ex-wife and potential substance abuse problems. Looking back
now I want to scream at myself, “Hellooooo! Remember you were warned
about his issues?” Despite the obvious, why are most women determined
to find fault within themselves each time something goes wrong in a
relationship? Is it plain insecurity? Maybe it is some form of bizarre
genetic behavior. After all, the men are the hunters and protectors and
maybe we find it unnatural for a man not to want to play that role for
us anymore.
Well, before feminists start to get into an uproar, my simple
conclusion is there is no real explanation for why women act the way
they do. If there were, men wouldn’t find us such an intriguing enigma
in the first place. If they knew all of our secrets, what fun would
dating be anyway?
We may not know why we tend to get so emotional when a relationship
ends but the upside is neither do our men. Fortunately, they are more
tortured by not understanding women than we are by not understanding
ourselves.
You have to admit there is a certain joy in that.
