Bill and I broke up last week so I ‘m expected my membership card to
arrive in the mail any day now. After all, I’m about to enter one of
the most prestigious organizations in the country—“Bill’s Ex-Girlfriend
Club.” I’m not really sure what the total membership is, but it appears
to be massive.
Truthfully, after two months of listening to Bill talk about his harem
of exes my opinion on the whole subject has never changed. I stand by
what I said from the very beginning.
“Bill, this is one woman that will never be a member of that club. When I’m gone…I’m GONE.”
So, is it me? Am I the one with the twisted thinking because I feel
that once a relationship is over you should both move on? I believe in
an amicable parting, but I never saw maintaining friendships with your
exes as anything more than an excuse for potential hook-ups when you’re
both lonely. While I may be the extreme in thinking “cut all ties”—Bill
was the other extreme in terms of “staying in touch.”
Just to give you a small taste of Bill’s harem—we’ll start with Cindy
and Kathleen. In a nutshell, Cindy and Kathleen were childhood best
friends. Bill was very serious with Kathleen. However, Bill then
cheated on Kathleen with Cindy. Kathleen and Bill broke up but Cindy
and Bill stayed together. Needless to say the friendship between
Kathleen and Cindy ended but Bill somehow managed to stay friends with
both women. While dating his “mistress turned girlfriend” Cindy, Bill
went away for the night with Kathleen—“as friends.” He proudly stated,
“Cindy trusted me.” All I could think of was—“What a silly naïve girl?”
Bill of course eventually broke up with Cindy and she proudly joined
the X-Club. Cindy has also befriended Leslie—another ex of course! Bill
goes so far as to take both Leslie and Cindy out together. This was
in-between his dates with me--a future member of the club.
Are you following so far? If you find these scenarios a bit twisted,
you’re not alone. It almost seems that Bill dates purely to increase
membership, rather than looking for a lasting partnership. Do you blame
me for not wanting to join this club?
I’m willing to play devil’s advocate. Maybe Bill is just a nice guy and
it’s a credit to his character that he can maintain friendships after a
breakup. But so many?
I always felt Bill was a bit insecure and had trouble “letting go.”
Bill’s ego seems to feed off of being surrounded by women that he
“conquered.” They certainly give him enough attention. They actually
fight over him. Leslie got mad one day because Cindy got to spend the
day with him “alone.” The best part is that Leslie is married with
kids! I’m sorry…but his relations with his harem never seemed healthy.
Would any woman want to be involved with a guy who carries on these
types of friendships?
So when it comes to an “X-Club” there are two questions that come to mind.
1. Can you be friends with your ex?
2. Should you be friends with your ex?
When a person has been a significant part of your life for a very long
time, it does seem sad to have them completely leave your life because
of a breakup. When someone has shared a truly deep and lasting bond
with their former—I support a friendship. However, I believe that these
kinds of situations are rare and special.
I also believe that no matter how important that friendship is you
shouldn’t let it get in the way of building a new relationship.
Potential new partners have a right to feel a certain discomfort when
you befriend former lovers. Yes, your new partner should trust you…but
trust is also earned. You need to show them that they CAN trust you.
There should be no mystery to your friendship—nothing to question. Keep
your partner well informed as to what you and your ex really share.
One of the keys to maintaining a healthy relationship with you ex is
making sure that both of you have enough emotional distance from the
past. Sometimes this requires a period of separation before you can
find each other again. A one-sided friendship can always lead to
awkward situations so it’s important that you both are “over it” for
sure.
One of my final issues with Bill’s harem was a date he made with an ex
for her office Christmas party. He described her as someone he had no
interest in but said she wanted more from him. He felt the date was
justified because he told her he was only going “as a friend.”
Considering they had no established friendship and she still had a
crush on him—I never understood why he was going with her in the first
place. Actions speak louder than his words and I felt it was unfair to
her feelings to attend her office Christmas party under those
circumstances. Even though we had no spoken commitment—I also felt it
was a bit unfair to me. After all, why is he still taking up time
promoting harem membership when he’s dating me?
That’s brings me to my final thought on the X-Club. If you have one,
make sure it has the proper priority in your life. If you ever want to
find the one woman or man who would NEVER be eligible for membership,
you need to make sure that they can establish some sort of priority
status of their own. If your X-Club is filled with “true friends” they
will remain your friends no matter what. They should also support your
quest to find lasting love and not try to maintain “property rights.”
As long as you or any members of your X-Club are living in the
past—you’re never going to find the future you always wanted.
As for Bill’s X-Club—I anticipate the membership will continue to grow.
I expect it to go national by 2006. I don’t regret not joining. The
occasional meetings might have been fun.
But frankly, I’m not that bored with my life.
